You Can’t Change Anyone- That’s a Good Thing

Here’s something I’ve been learning the hard way: you can’t change people. No matter how much you love them, how “right” you think you are, or how clearly you see the better path-they have to want to change for themselves.

At first, that truth feels frustrating. It feels unfair. Especially when you believe they could be better, do better, or show up differently. The challenging part is realizing they probably think the same about you. We all live inside our own narratives, our own version of what’s normal, reasonable, and right. When someone challenges that story, the ego is usually the first to rise in defense.

Eckhart Tolle explains that the ego thrives on control. It feeds off being right, on trying to shape the world and the people around us into what it believes they should be. That need to be right can easily become a trap-one that pulls us away from peace and keeps us stuck in patterns that drain us.

Tolle reminds us that in any situation, we truly only have three choices: accept it, change it, or remove ourselves. Anything else-especially staying in a place just to complain-is not only unproductive, it’s exhausting. Chronic complaining, especially about something that hasn’t changed in months or years, doesn’t move you forward. It keeps you stuck. It’s also draining for the people around you who are constantly hearing the same story on repeat.

If someone has hurt you, and they should know better, then yes-express it. Speak your truth. Be honest about your experience. However, once you've communicated clearly, let go of any expectations. Just because someone understands you doesn’t mean they’ll change. That decision still belongs to them.

This is where the real inner work begins. Not in trying to fix them, but in examining yourself. Why does this situation trigger you so deeply? What patterns are repeating? What wounds are being touched? These questions can lead to uncomfortable truths, but they are the path to freedom. As Marianne Williamson writes in A Return to Love, the only real power we ever have is how we choose to show up in the world. How we think, how we love, how we respond. That’s your control.

Put your energy into things that give something back. Invest in relationships and activities that nourish you. Focus on building confidence, not waiting for someone else to fill in your gaps. The truth is, no one else is coming to complete you.

That famous line from Jerry Maguire-"You complete me"—is garbage! Completion is not something another person gives you. It’s something you build within yourself. From that place of wholeness, you invite people into your life who add value, not because you need them to fix something, but because their presence aligns with your authenticity.

The more you understand your own triggers, the less power others have to hurt you. You begin to protect your energy, not by shutting people out, but by refusing to chase love, attention, or validation. You don’t need to control others. You just need to trust yourself enough to walk away when something no longer fits.

Have a with or without you mindset—not from pride, but from self-respect. When you stop handing people the power to define your peace, you finally take that power back.

That kind of wholeness doesn’t beg. It doesn’t force. It simply lives-and lets others figure themselves out in their own time.