Letting Go of the Fairytale: Choosing Reality Over Illusion
When we were kids, we were fed a steady diet of fairytales. Stories where a prince would sweep in, rescue us, and offer a "happily ever after." Cinderella. Sleeping Beauty. Beauty and the Beast. The Little Mermaid. Each story spun the same dreamy illusion - that love would magically fix everything, and that once you found "the one," the hard parts of life would just melt away.
Reality - the real, beautiful, messy reality - is so much different. The truth? Most marriages today don't end in "forever." In North America, the divorce rate hovers around 40-50%. Half. Half of the couples who once believed they had found their forever person eventually part ways. While it's easy to point fingers or blame circumstances, the deeper truth is often harder to look at: many of us fell in love with the idea of someone, not who they actually were.
Growing up, I had my mental checklist: Tall. Smart. Good-looking. Successful. Oh - and of course, romantic, nurturing, endlessly kind, always prioritizing me, and loving me unconditionally forever. Guess what? My partner checked off a lot of those boxes. Yet somewhere deep down, I stayed hooked on the fantasy. I didn't fully accept who he actually was. I clung to who I wanted him to be. Looking back now - thirty years into my relationship, after witnessing what truly strong partnerships look like - my list would be very different. Today, I'd prioritize: respect, shared values, emotional safety, growth mindset, a partner who wants to see me reach my highest potential
Having a true companion in life? Someone who respects you, stands beside you, and believes in your evolution. That is the real gift. As Harville Hendrix says, "In a committed partnership, your partner is the ambassador of your unconscious. Their role is to help you heal the wounds of childhood." A successful relationship isn’t about being "completed" by someone else - it’s about being challenged, loved, and supported enough to complete yourself.
The communication part is often the hardest. It is so much easier to sweep things under the rug, ignore them, and hope they go away. The truth is, they never really do. Learning how to communicate better has been one of the biggest transformations in my own marriage. My husband and I finally got help in learning how to truly talk to each other - to feel heard, understood, and validated. To be able to express our needs clearly and have the other person genuinely want to fulfill them. It is not easy. It takes practice. It takes patience. It is possible, but only works if the relationship is worth the effort for both people involved.
Jillian Turecki captures this so beautifully in her book It Begins With You. She urges us to differentiate between lust and love. Lust is intoxicating. It's a drug. It makes you see only what you want to see. Love - real love - sees the truth. It embraces reality. It works with what's there, not with what you hope will someday appear.
Some lessons from her book that stuck with me:
Lust is about how someone makes you feel about yourself. Love is about how much you want to know and support who they truly are.
You pick partners from your level of self-worth. The healthier your relationship with yourself, the healthier your choice in partners will be.
Stop choosing potential. Fall in love with what is, not what could be "if only."
These truths aren't always easy to sit with; they are freeing once you do. If you find yourself in a relationship where the person isn't right for you, start by getting brutally honest with yourself. Ask: Am I staying out of fear, comfort, or fantasy? Have I communicated my needs and truly been heard? Are we growing together or growing apart?
If the answers are painful, it is okay. Growth often starts with discomfort. You do not have to make a rash decision. You do owe it to yourself to honor your truth. Talk to a therapist or coach. Journal your feelings. Begin imagining a future where your needs are met without needing to change someone else. Leaving a relationship that isn't aligned with your deepest needs isn't a failure - it is an act of self-respect. If you decide to stay, it must be based on who your partner actually is, not who you wish they could become. At the end of the day, relationships aren't about finding someone who fits a fantasy. They are about building a reality together - one that's based on truth, respect, shared values, and genuine love.
No glass slippers. No magic spells. Just two imperfect people choosing each other, every day.
